


Ocean waves

by chaoticdean



Series: Suptober 2020 [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Darkest Roads Verse, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Married Castiel/Dean Winchester, Nightmares, Suptober 2020 (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26921470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticdean/pseuds/chaoticdean
Summary: Suptober 2020, day 9: electric.It’s been 5 years now, and somehow they figured out their shit. A house on a the shore, a ring on their fingers, and somehow Dean still wakes up to find Cas wrapped up in a panic attack on random nights, doubts and anxiety eating him alive. But they aren’t alone in the panic anymore.———(Darkest Roads' verse)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Suptober 2020 [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1949341
Comments: 9
Kudos: 115





	Ocean waves

**Author's Note:**

> Friendly reminder that all my fic so far are unbeta'd, and that English is _**not**_ my native language, so please bear with my possible mistakes :)

“Babe?”

Dean’s voice tears through the comfortable silence in the darkness of the bedroom, his voice still thick with sleep from where his face is pressed up against the pillow. Cas can hear him change position, extending his arm to search for him until his fingertips are grazing the skin on the small of his back.

He’s sitting on the edge of their bed, his feet pressed against the wooden floor of their bedroom, the cold feeling anchoring him to reality.

_Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t spiral. You’re fine._

“Cas? What’s going on?”

Castiel can hear the concern in Dean’s voice, can feel the worry in the way his hand starts caressing his bare skin right away, can feel the tension in the way he moves.

His husband might not be a man of words, but what he doesn’t say in words he says in touch, and Cas can read through him like an open book.

Cas tries to remind himself to breathe. That he’s okay, he’s safe, he’s not alone.

_Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t spiral. You’re fine._

“Hey. Talk to me.”

Dean is here suddenly, his face pressing up against his shoulder, a hand sneaking around Cas’ waist, bringing him closer. The former angel closes his eyes, relishing the sensation of Dean’s stubble against his shoulder blade, Dean’s scent wrapping around him like a warm blanket.

He doesn’t think he’s ever felt so safe, so comfortable than he does in Dean’s arms. Sometimes it still takes him by surprise. He lets out a sigh, finally letting go of the tension, little piece by little piece, and melting against Dean’s body firmly pressed against his back.

_Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t spiral. You’re fine._

“I had a nightmare,” Cas finally says, eyes still closed, tilting his head just enough so that it rests against Dean’s, “I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“You didn’t,” Dean objects, turning his head to kiss Cas’ cheek tenderly, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not particularly.”

“Okay. Do you want me to leave you alone with this?”

Cas loves him. Oh, so much. It’s been so clear, for _years_ , but sometimes the strength of his feelings still takes him by surprise, like waves crashing against the shore.

Right now, in the darkness of the room they’ve been sharing for three years, in the house they bought for themselves after they got married, it still crashes into him like Cas is a stupid iceberg and Dean is the goddamn Titanic.

_Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t spiral. You’re fine._

“Please don’t go,” Cas says, his voice still strained by anxiety, “I need you.”

“Okay, angel. You’ve got me,” Dean answers straight away, the arm that he sneaked around his waist squeezing him tighter against him, “I’m right here with you.”

Anxiety is something new he had to come to terms with, ever since he became human. It’s something Dean has been experiencing his whole life, despite (in true Dean’s fashion) having never talked to anyone about it before Cas had his first anxiety attack right in front of him.

Ever since then, they’ve been relying on each other. Dean has stood by him every time he had a nightmare, every time something insignificant turned into so much significance that Cas couldn’t deal. He’s been there to hold him, to whisper soothing words into his ear, to tell him that’s it’s okay, it’s alright, you’ll get there, no I’m not letting go, yes I am fine, please breathe.

_Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t spiral. You’re fine._

Cas closes his eyes again, cataloging every single one of his sensations. The warmth of Dean’s skin pressed against him. His familiar scent hitting his nostril in full force (leather, mint shampoo, a hint of whiskey, all _Dean, Dean, Dean_ ), like a calming balm over the scars still burning inside his head. The brush of his five o’clock shadow against the tender skin of his shoulder. His hair tickling against the side of his head.

_Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t spiral. You’re fine._

“Do you ever regret it?” he asks suddenly, dreading Dean’s response right away, and mentally kicking himself for being this needy.

Dean doesn’t answer right away, dragging his lips over the curve of Cas’ jaw, and Castiel can’t help but sigh in content, tilting his head just enough to give him better access, finding the strength to raise a hand to card through Dean’s hair. Dean lets him, too busy mapping the edges of his cheekbone with his lips.

Dean isn’t the talking type, Cas knows. He’s made huge progress on that front, but he’s still not that type of man, and it’s fine most of the time.

It’s in the way he touches, instead.

In the way he kisses, soft and slow, impatient and breathless, hard and needy.

In the way he drags his fingers over his skin when they make love, clutching at his sides like he needs to feel that Castiel is real, Cas is here, Cas is _his._

In the way he intertwines their fingers every chance he gets, offering comfort, reassurance, letting Cas knows he’s right there alongside him.

It’s in the way he breathes “I love you”, “I need you”, “I’m yours”, each time Cas needs to heart it.

“What should I regret? Being here with you?” Dean asks, momentarily letting go of Cas’ skin, his voice calm, solid, “building a life with you?”

“I don’t —“

“Loving you?”

Cas stays quiet as Dean retreat, the loss of his warmth making him shudder, his skin tingling in pain where Dean was just seconds ago.

But Dean is in front of him then, kneeling on the wooden floor of their bedroom, the dim light of the moon filtering through the shutters just enough to light the edges of Dean’s face, allowing Cas to contemplate his husband.

“I don’t know what you saw, babe, but I know one thing,” Dean says, his hand clutching Cas’ thighs, emeralds sinking into ocean blues, “that thing between us, that electric current that’s been there ever since you walked into that barn in South Dakota? It’s not going away, ever. Okay?”

_Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t spiral. You’re fine._

“Okay,” Cas says, covering Dean’s hands with his own, his eyes never leaving Dean’s, “Okay, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I know what it’s like.”

“I love you.”

Even in the dark, even without being able to see his full face, Cas can see how those simple three little words light fire inside Dean’s eyes. The hunter reaches out, bringing both hands to Cas’ cheek, radiant green sinking into electric blue.

“I love you too, angel,” he breathes quietly, like those three little words still hold the weight of the world, “don’t doubt me.”

_Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t spiral. You’re fine._

Kissing is never just kissing with Dean, Cas found that out pretty early on in their relationship.

It feels like storms and lighting, like summer rain and quiet night, like the Earth simultaneously starts shaking but also stops spinning.

Castiel finally allows himself to breathe then, once Dean’s lips find his in the dark, tasting like whisky sour and apple pie.

_Home._

**Author's Note:**

> _  
>  **rebloggable on[Tumblr](https://chaoticdean.tumblr.com/post/631545117849894912/ocean-waves)**   
>  _


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